Awe

By the way, I am sick to death of playing that song over and over in my head. I hate Augustana. Mini rant over.

It's funny. Two days ago I was scared to death of leaving. Not that I'm not now, but that was all that could consume me. All I thought about were the people I was leaving behind, the things I had yet to do, everything I held onto. All of that would have to go, at least to some extent. I had been seriously wondering if I was doing the right thing in leaving. I still do wonder, I can't be entirely certain about this move. It'd be too easy otherwise. It wouldn't be right otherwise.

But over the past two days I've been experiencing something different. And that is awe. I am still scared to leave, but what strikes me more are those people that I am leaving behind, those things I have done, and all that I held onto. And it fills me with such a hope that I am still the one with power in my situation, that I still have control over this crazy thing called life, at least to a little bit. I have hope that this is not the end of one story, and the beginning of another, but simply another chapter to build on what has happened.

The teens of Seven Holy Founders...my friends at Seven Holy Founders, have changed my perspective in so many ways, but it was humbling to listen to their stories last night about what I had done for them, and what I meant to them. It was something I did not expect to hear, and what I heard surprised me. But throughout all of it, I could feel the love and the spirit from them. And I was just awestruck. To think, that for all of this time I got be part of their lives, to try and do something, just hoping and praying to God that it would work out for the best, and for just a brief moment to have that little reminder, that you know what, you can do good and you have. It's not that I expect to be told when I've done something right, I don't, and honestly I really don't want to know. I usually don't like it when people come up to me and tell me how I helped them or changed something for them. I just do what I'm here to do. But last night was something different. It was like a sacrament in many ways. A chance to see that all is not so lost, that I am not so hopeless, and that, you know what, you did right here. I wasn't perfect, I couldn't ask to be perfect, but I did what I was supposed to. I did right. And if I can do right here, I can do it anywhere.

It was awe that hit me. Awe at these incredible people who thought enough of me and of what I did and what I stood for to tell me. Awe at God, that somehow, through some crazy way and scheme, I could see God in these people, and I could feel God's presence through them, and that in some way, I helped bring that about in them. If God can work through me like that, then what else am I capable of? Maryann told me and continues to tell me, "God has big plans for you" to which I always reply "That's what I'm afraid of." But what if? What if I can do something great? What if there is that in me? I pray that I get a chance to find out.

Tonight I got to jam with my friends Brian and Trung. We started what I call our "Guitar Triumvirate" a few years back in the 10 PM Mass Choir, where we'd meet and jam, over retreats, in my apartment, you name it, we played it. It's always great, cause we all have different tastes and preferences and playing styles, but for that moment in time, it all just clicks. It all just makes sense. And musically, for me, it's times like that when it works the best. When you're just able to let go and enjoy it and create for the purpose of creating.

And in a different way, I experienced that awe again. Just an awe at the gift of music in my life, and my ability to share in that with others to make even better music. An awe at what I can do when I don't worry about it being perfect and just play, just sing, and let everything else fall into play. It's not that there aren't mistakes. But the beauty of the whole is worth any mistake that I make. It gives me hope that I will continue to find more musicians to share this with.

And all in all, I am just in awe with what is about to happen. I had always figured that I would be in St. Louis for all of my life, and here I am, about to embark on the greatest adventure I've ever been on. And I am scared and sad to leave, and I am going to miss everyone horribly. But at the same time I am more excited then I have ever been. I get to see what I am really made of, and it's something that I cannot wait for. I cannot wait.

So I think I'll go to Boston. If you want to know what the journey is like, come along with me. Follow this crazy blog that I will try to keep updated with what happens. Some things will be serious, some will definitely not. But for all of you that I know and love in St. Louis, come along with me.

Until I get there, I will continue to be in awe of everything and everyone here.

"At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passersby
And they did not notice me"

-U2, Moment of Surrender