Disciples do not clone their Master's life; They follow the Master

Ah, blog. How I have neglected thee. I shall amend that now. Let the rant begin (Sorry if this, or any of these, don't wind up being coherent, kind of just going of the top of my head...).

Now that I have finally had a full week (really a week and a half, but I dropped one of my classes, so now it's a full week) I can finally give my first impressions of what grad school is like:

Pain.

Let me clarify. I love the discussions, the classes, the reading, the people, and pretty much all of what this has encompassed so far. The classes are great, I'm really being pushed to think about this Theology stuff a lot more than I probably ever have, and I'm really learning some cool facts and applications about it. The discussions about religion and Theology up here are also incredible. There really is just a difference in the atmosphere, that we can talk about God and Jesus and theology and what not and not have to be afraid that others are gonna judge us for it or something like that. It's incredibly freeing.

The people have also been great. The teachers and faculty have a great spirit in them; they really seem to love what they do and I think that is the foundation for the learning that can take place. They aren't focused solely on the academic work, but even more so on making sure that what we learn changes us, and in most cases anyways, helps to change the world. You really get a sense of the social mission of the Church here, that we aren't just learning this stuff to learn it, but to actually do something good with it.

And this is also found in the students here. I have yet to find a student in the STM who hasn't spent at least some part of the past few years volunteering in some type of ministry. There's youth ministry, prison ministry, music ministry, homeless, the poor, overseas, immigrant, all kinds of varied and different vocations and calls. And to top that all off, the people here are great. Definitely all different, all kinds of Theological folks, but they're real people. They seem to "get it" and to understand a practicality of what they're studying that (sorry) I do not see oftentimes in my Church today. It's refreshing to know that there are people who care enough about Mother Church to be willing to go and study and devote their lives to it. Even if others do not understand it. Even if self-appointed watchdog groups attack them and the leaders of the schools they attend. Even if people do not want to hear what they have to say, and condemn them without even considering what they stand for, they continue on. Everyone's story here is different, and we've all come from different backgrounds and served in different ways and dealt with different adversities, but the unifying factor, regardless of our positions, is our love of God and desire to serve God through this call, even if we wind up penniless and persecuted (both of which are likely).

And in a sense, that is what I mean by pain. In part I meant the 600 pages of reading I had this past weekend, followed up by 600 more this weekend, in addition to papers and what not.

But in another part, I mean the pain of trial. Because right now, things are great. But when I leave BC, with a masters, with a doctorate, with no piece of paper at all, I head out into the "real world," if such a thing exists. I head out into a Church that is changing, whether it's progressing forward, or returning to the past, or a bit of both, and I have the potential to influence that change. But it won't come easy. Not that anything ever does, especially in academia. I'm sure that it must piss doctors off to an incredible degree when someone comes up with these homebrew remedies that get all kinds of acclaim, even though in reality they don't work. "Dr. Phil" draws an incredible audience, even though the APA revoked his license years ago.

The same is true, I find, in the Church, if not more so. The people who have actually devoted the time and energy to study the Bible, the history, consider the morality, etc., get drowned out by the will of the masses who haven't done the same work. It's not to criticize them, because (hopefully) they were doing something equally as important. But, especially in morals, I find, there is a problem, and my fear is that people make choices and place them under the guise of "Christian" without ever actually thinking and looking at the rationale for those choices. You see this in politics especially, which is a whole 'nother spiel entirely, I'll save it for another time.

But I feel pain. I see my Church, my beautiful Catholic Church, and I see that the world doesn't want to trust it anymore. I see it's mistakes (that's right, its MISTAKES) and I understand why the world seems to have a problem with it, but I can't blame the Church. It's only made up of humans. We ain't perfect, not by a long shot. Everyone, whether thief, mechanic, politician, or pontiff, is a sinner, and we screw up. I don't think that's reason to hate the Church. I love it. I love my Catholicism, and I can't stand to see when some people drag its name through the mud, or when people call themselves Catholic and then proceed to drag it into the mud. I want to stop that. And the only way I know to get people to stop that is to stop the ignorance.

I want to stop the ignorance of the people who attack Catholicism because of the actions of a few and don't really understand. At the same time, I want to stop the misinformation about Catholicism and what it stands for and what it should stand for. I want people to think about this. My hope, my only hope for anything that I ever did in ministry or that I ever will do, is that people will think about this stuff. Theology is incredible. I love it. But I have to think about it. If we are not willing to question, if we are not willing to wrestle with this stuff, then we are just like the Pharisees and scribes that Jesus criticized in the gospels. They got the letter of the law, but they never bothered to find the spirit of the Law. I hope to find the spirit, and I hope that I have encouraged others to do that as well.

Jesus said "Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8) I hope that if I can do nothing else, I encourage people to ask, to search, and to knock. That is the way we will come to find God.

And I continue to be reaffirmed as I study the value of this time, and that this is a good decision for me. Being here has reminded me of why I care about this Church and this theology so much, why I love my ministries so much. Because this is, what I hope at least, what God has me here for. To help others, to be a voice for God and for the truth. Even if I'm misguided, and I certainly am at times, I hope that I can at least get people to seek God more fully. If I am in the right, then I hope to convince others that I have found the right. If I am wrong, then I hope to convince others to correct my mistakes through their own work.

Well...I do hope I encourage people to do one more thing though...to follow what Jesus says in John: "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you should also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35). If we can do this, then everything else will work out. I hope that we will always strive to find the truth, but if we want to find the truth, this is the way towards it. Without love, without genuinely treating people out of love and a desire for their betterment, not our own, we will never be able to find the truth. If we become people of love, we will find the One who loved us.

And really what else is there?

"They took your life
They could not take your pride
In the name of love
One more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love?"

-U2, Pride