Actual Adventures in Boston

Ok, first, I know I haven't updated this thing in weeks. My bad. Though in my defense, it's not like I've been intentionally neglecting the blog. Grad school gets busy.

However, in spite of that, I have been able to get a few adventures together. Let us travel back in time a bit:

Saturday, Oct 3, 2009. First ever Red Sox game at Fenway Park. In the words of a famous New Englander: "Freakin' sweet!"

So I went to the game with my roommate and his friends from Ohio, so they were all decked out in Indians apparel (they were the visiting team), and I, for fear of the nearing playoffs atmosphere, had to sneak in my Jim Edmonds Redbirds shirt underneath my jacket. But I will say that Fenway Park is really cool. We were up as high as you could go for the standing room only tickets, but you still had a real good view of the field and what was going on.

But as a baseball lover, it kind of just hit me when I was watching the game. This is the site of a lot of baseball history. Babe Ruth played here. Ted Williams. Carlton Fisk. Carl Yastrzemski. This is the field were some of the greats (who didn't wear the birds on bat) played. There was even a place within the park that you could stroll down and see some of the photos of the famous players and plays. Now, of course few of them occurred in the World Series until 2004, but still, history.

Plus, the Indians lost, and I called a grand slam from former Indian Victor Martinez, which depressed my roommate and his friends while 50,000 people around us cheered. It's the little things in life that you have to enjoy. A walk in the park. Seeing the stars in the clear night sky. Calling your roommate's favorite player who was traded to the other team hitting a grand slam to give the Sox the lead. The little things.

V-Mart Grand Slam


Parker's Reaction to said Grand Slam

Monday, Oct 12th, 2009. Irish music night at the Green Briar. OMG.

So since I'm sure you are wondering just what this was, let me explain. Every weekend, usually on a Friday night, the Theology folks organize a get together at a local pub so that we can meet and just have some fun together before going back to the backbreaking amount of work that we need to do each week. This weekend we did something different, and since we had off on Monday for Columbus Day (fat lot of good that did me, I don't have classes Mondays anyway), they decided that we should go to the Green Briar. It's an "authentic" Irish pub close by.

Anyways, they have an Irish music night on Mondays, and I'm not exactly sure how they organize it. All I know is that I walked into 20 or so people gathered around playing authentic Irish music. There were fiddles, and a bagpipe, a could of accordions, a couple of guitars, and the Irish drum thing, whatever it's called. But it was SOOOOOO good. I love Celtic music, it's good for the soul, and to hear all these people just randomly (?) getting together and knowing all the songs by heart and playing them was fantastic. So great. Definitely made my Monday night.

Friday, Oct 16th, 2009. Social night at Cambridge.

This past Friday we headed out to Cambridge, where Harvard's located. There was a great pub out there that we all hung out at, but that wasn't what made this one cool.

What made it cool was that the Jesuits were able to come out and drink and talk with us. I got to just talk with the dean of the whole school, Fr. Dick Clifford. I also have a class with him, but it was really cool to just be able to talk with him. Really interesting guy, like pretty much everyone I run into up here. I reiterate again, I love the people up here in Boston. The Theo folks are a great deal of fun and are really good peeps. Glad to have made friends with them.

Sunday, Oct 18, 2009. SNOW!!!

That's right. It freakin' snowed! Granted, it didn't stick, and it only lasted for the afternoon and night on Sunday, but still, it snowed!!! I got myself into a nice little wintery/holiday spirit while watching the Patriots score 59 points on the Titans. I was very happy for the snow, which is good, because if everyone who actually lives here is correct, I'll pretty much be seeing nothing but snow from October until about July, give or take a month.


So there you go. Some actual adventures in Boston. There are certainly more to tell, but some of them you'll just have to wait for until you see me again ;) Pax.

-C. Clow

"We keep running through the tracks we made
When the snow was on the ground.
Trying hard to make sure we never lose track
Of where we came from, so long ago
We have to leave, we don't want to go."
-SpiritRising (a.k.a. yours truly), "So Beautiful"

Questioning

There are a couple of things about being here in Boston that are challenging for me. One is the distance from all the people back home. The other is trying to reconcile what I'm learning with what I believe and what I trust. Bringing together the past and the present and still coming out sane.

I won't go into details, but be sure that my faith has certainly been challenged by what I have learned so far, and I'm sure it won't be the last time either. I constantly feel like there are a million different trains of thought running through my head about this Theology stuff: what should I believe, what shouldn't I believe, what should I do with this, and so on. I constantly find myself, when confronted with different arguments and "facts" and views and so forth, being like Pilate in John's gospel, asking "What is truth?"

Saying that one is a Catholic is tough. Truly living as a Catholic should is even tougher. But thinking about why one lives the way they do, certainly must be one of the most frustrating and difficult things in the long run. I have always believed that it is better to question, better to think openly about things. Only in rare cases should one hold back from questioning. But believe me, it isn't easy. I think that, despite all of the "deeper" meanings that we look for in Scriptures, in the gospel when Jesus says that we must have faith like a child, I really wonder if that's true.

Because a child doesn't question. Oh, they will certainly ask why, but they won't easily lose faith. They will go along with what an authority tells them and not question the decision. And yet, that's not what I'm supposed to be doing here. I am supposed to question and think about these matters of faith, and the more that I do that, the harder it seems to get. So I wonder, if maybe ignorance is bliss? Maybe simple faith is the way to go.

But something inside me cannot sit comfortably with that. There's that little voice, that in spite of what I read and learn and think, continues to reaffirm what I trust: there is a God, there is a point, and everything else will work itself out. When I grow weary of reading about different descriptions of new terms and ideas that we have zero way to prove or disprove, I come back to those three points. There is a God. There is a point. Everything else will work itself out.

I can't prove any of the three. Historically, there's not much of a basis for any of those. Yet for some reason, I continue to hold onto them. Whether God is this Triune God or just that little voice inside my heart, inside all of our hearts, I continue to believe.

I constantly say that I don't know what I want to do with this Theology stuff, but honestly, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do with it. I want to end this complexity. We come up with all these different distinctions and classifications and "understandings," when in reality we aren't going to understand God. Hell, I doubt "God" is really what God refers to God's self as anyways, much less any debates about titles for God, or whether masculine, feminine, or neutered nouns are appropriate for God. Our language is simply our attempt to express something deeper here. It's imperfect, just as I am imperfect, just as everyone and everything here, at some level, is imperfect. But I still have faith that there is something greater out there, and whether that's Allah, Brahmin, Jesus Christ, or simply just that little whisper, I do believe there's something.

At the end of the day, that's what I hang my heart on (thank you Luther). I don't know how my theological system is going to play itself out, what moral issues I will take up and my defenses for them. I don't know what Christological view I'm going to take, what I think about liberation theology, and whether the Catholic church has it all right, has it all wrong, or is a bit of both. I don't know if there's a Christ of Faith, or just the Jesus of history, or both, or neither. And I don't know why we still kill each other over what we believe comes to us from a God of love. I do not know much.

But I still hear that whisper.

And for now, I'm going to do my best to trust it.

"I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart
A failing engine from driving way too hard
I was trying way too hard
I pulled a thirty-eight out of my bleeding heart
I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far
This far away from you...

I never second guessed that little voice I heard
It's just a whisper"
-Needtobreathe, "Valley of Tomorrow"

Balancing Act

I played Madden today for the first time in weeks. Why is this important? It isn't, and that's the point.

First lesson about grad school: It's awesome (if you are passionate about what you're studying and love it, if you don't you ain't gonna make it.).

Second lesson about grad school: It will own your life. No other way to really have it.

I remember in undergrad making complaints about professors who acted as if their class was the only class that you were taking. Well, apply this principle to grad school classes, and you begin to see what it's like. I don't really mean that as a complaint, I expected a lot of work. But that doesn't mean I like it. I love the Theology, I love learning all this stuff, I just wish it didn't dominate my life so much.

That's why balance is key. Today I have no classes, no real commitments, just the possibility of going to the Theology social at yet another random bar tonight. So today, I did something I really haven't done in a while. I relaxed. Played some Madden football, didn't think about anything for a bit. It was meaningless and stupid and a waste of time and I loved it. If I'm gonna waste time, I'd at least like to actually waste time, rather than try to be productive and waste time that way.

It's balance. For everything there is a time and a place, and it is important for me to remember that, just because I have the time to plow once again into dense theological texts, doesn't mean I necessarily should. I need to mind my own sanity, thank you very much. I have faith in God and faith that things will happen as they need to, and I don't need to spend all my time worrying about how I'm going to get things done, or even spending all my time trying to force everything to get done. It will happen when it happens. Balance.

Why am I reflecting on this right now? Simple.

I got my first paper assignment last night. 5 pages, not too bad. Due next Thursday, again, not really bad, but just an addition to the 600+ pages of reading plus the two other 1 pagers that I already had. Oh, and I also have another paper due in a month, 7 pages, which will need some outside reading in addition to what I just described here.

Thank God for Old Testament...no papers...wait, am I wrong, let me check...ok, there's a midterm paper, but that's it. Like three grades for the entire course...wonderful. But at least I get to read the other three books of the Pentateuch this weekend...

So, before I dive off the cliff of sanity into the world of Theology for the weekend, I feel that balance is important to consider here. Is a half hour of video games are equally balanced out with an entire weekend of reading and writing and thinking? In the greater scheme of things, I'd like to think so. It's about balance.

Like take a seesaw. To stay on the level of the earth, you typically need to have things on either side of the seesaw that weigh the same. Like two people. But I'm not studying things on the level of the earth. As Fr. Vacek put it, "We get to study God." And God is clearly above the earth, so if I'm going to study God, then balance for me is going to involve getting above the level of the earth. So one one side put me, and on the other side, say...the Empire State Building. Or Mount Fiji. Or my Harper Collins Study Bible. Something big like that. Balance.

Or you could look at it another way, such as keeping one's balance. Like say you're standing barefoot on a 2x4 plank on top of the mouth of an open volcano and Roger Clemens is pitching fastballs at you. It's hot, you're tired, you'd kill for something cool, oh and that a$$hold Clemens keeps hurling his steroid-powered fastballs at you. You're moving, trying your best to dodge and keep from falling into the molten hot magma below.

But you're keeping your balance. And that's something. Are you gonna eventually fall? Of course. You're barefoot on a 2x4 on top of the mouth of an open volcano with Roider Clemens throwing at you. You never had a shot. But that hasn't diminished the fight in you for those few precious moments before you descend into a fiery death below.

That's how I see the balance now. Am I going to eventually have to succumb to the fact that I'm in grad school and that come November I won't be sleeping much/well anymore? Of course. But if I try to keep my balance now, I might be able to get a few more precious moments of sanity before that occurs.

And that's what the point really is, right?

Please, someone tell me that's what the point is...

...

Well, in either case, that's how I see it. Keeping with the crazy nature of this post, here's Kashmir.

"Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed"
-Led Zeppelin "Kashmir"

P.S. By the way, if you can't tell, I'm clearly having fun with this blog thing ;) But seriously, I have a sh*t-ton of work to do. Peace.

Disciples do not clone their Master's life; They follow the Master

Ah, blog. How I have neglected thee. I shall amend that now. Let the rant begin (Sorry if this, or any of these, don't wind up being coherent, kind of just going of the top of my head...).

Now that I have finally had a full week (really a week and a half, but I dropped one of my classes, so now it's a full week) I can finally give my first impressions of what grad school is like:

Pain.

Let me clarify. I love the discussions, the classes, the reading, the people, and pretty much all of what this has encompassed so far. The classes are great, I'm really being pushed to think about this Theology stuff a lot more than I probably ever have, and I'm really learning some cool facts and applications about it. The discussions about religion and Theology up here are also incredible. There really is just a difference in the atmosphere, that we can talk about God and Jesus and theology and what not and not have to be afraid that others are gonna judge us for it or something like that. It's incredibly freeing.

The people have also been great. The teachers and faculty have a great spirit in them; they really seem to love what they do and I think that is the foundation for the learning that can take place. They aren't focused solely on the academic work, but even more so on making sure that what we learn changes us, and in most cases anyways, helps to change the world. You really get a sense of the social mission of the Church here, that we aren't just learning this stuff to learn it, but to actually do something good with it.

And this is also found in the students here. I have yet to find a student in the STM who hasn't spent at least some part of the past few years volunteering in some type of ministry. There's youth ministry, prison ministry, music ministry, homeless, the poor, overseas, immigrant, all kinds of varied and different vocations and calls. And to top that all off, the people here are great. Definitely all different, all kinds of Theological folks, but they're real people. They seem to "get it" and to understand a practicality of what they're studying that (sorry) I do not see oftentimes in my Church today. It's refreshing to know that there are people who care enough about Mother Church to be willing to go and study and devote their lives to it. Even if others do not understand it. Even if self-appointed watchdog groups attack them and the leaders of the schools they attend. Even if people do not want to hear what they have to say, and condemn them without even considering what they stand for, they continue on. Everyone's story here is different, and we've all come from different backgrounds and served in different ways and dealt with different adversities, but the unifying factor, regardless of our positions, is our love of God and desire to serve God through this call, even if we wind up penniless and persecuted (both of which are likely).

And in a sense, that is what I mean by pain. In part I meant the 600 pages of reading I had this past weekend, followed up by 600 more this weekend, in addition to papers and what not.

But in another part, I mean the pain of trial. Because right now, things are great. But when I leave BC, with a masters, with a doctorate, with no piece of paper at all, I head out into the "real world," if such a thing exists. I head out into a Church that is changing, whether it's progressing forward, or returning to the past, or a bit of both, and I have the potential to influence that change. But it won't come easy. Not that anything ever does, especially in academia. I'm sure that it must piss doctors off to an incredible degree when someone comes up with these homebrew remedies that get all kinds of acclaim, even though in reality they don't work. "Dr. Phil" draws an incredible audience, even though the APA revoked his license years ago.

The same is true, I find, in the Church, if not more so. The people who have actually devoted the time and energy to study the Bible, the history, consider the morality, etc., get drowned out by the will of the masses who haven't done the same work. It's not to criticize them, because (hopefully) they were doing something equally as important. But, especially in morals, I find, there is a problem, and my fear is that people make choices and place them under the guise of "Christian" without ever actually thinking and looking at the rationale for those choices. You see this in politics especially, which is a whole 'nother spiel entirely, I'll save it for another time.

But I feel pain. I see my Church, my beautiful Catholic Church, and I see that the world doesn't want to trust it anymore. I see it's mistakes (that's right, its MISTAKES) and I understand why the world seems to have a problem with it, but I can't blame the Church. It's only made up of humans. We ain't perfect, not by a long shot. Everyone, whether thief, mechanic, politician, or pontiff, is a sinner, and we screw up. I don't think that's reason to hate the Church. I love it. I love my Catholicism, and I can't stand to see when some people drag its name through the mud, or when people call themselves Catholic and then proceed to drag it into the mud. I want to stop that. And the only way I know to get people to stop that is to stop the ignorance.

I want to stop the ignorance of the people who attack Catholicism because of the actions of a few and don't really understand. At the same time, I want to stop the misinformation about Catholicism and what it stands for and what it should stand for. I want people to think about this. My hope, my only hope for anything that I ever did in ministry or that I ever will do, is that people will think about this stuff. Theology is incredible. I love it. But I have to think about it. If we are not willing to question, if we are not willing to wrestle with this stuff, then we are just like the Pharisees and scribes that Jesus criticized in the gospels. They got the letter of the law, but they never bothered to find the spirit of the Law. I hope to find the spirit, and I hope that I have encouraged others to do that as well.

Jesus said "Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8) I hope that if I can do nothing else, I encourage people to ask, to search, and to knock. That is the way we will come to find God.

And I continue to be reaffirmed as I study the value of this time, and that this is a good decision for me. Being here has reminded me of why I care about this Church and this theology so much, why I love my ministries so much. Because this is, what I hope at least, what God has me here for. To help others, to be a voice for God and for the truth. Even if I'm misguided, and I certainly am at times, I hope that I can at least get people to seek God more fully. If I am in the right, then I hope to convince others that I have found the right. If I am wrong, then I hope to convince others to correct my mistakes through their own work.

Well...I do hope I encourage people to do one more thing though...to follow what Jesus says in John: "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you should also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35). If we can do this, then everything else will work out. I hope that we will always strive to find the truth, but if we want to find the truth, this is the way towards it. Without love, without genuinely treating people out of love and a desire for their betterment, not our own, we will never be able to find the truth. If we become people of love, we will find the One who loved us.

And really what else is there?

"They took your life
They could not take your pride
In the name of love
One more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love?"

-U2, Pride

Atrahasis

If you want to know what that is, it is one of the cool things I learned today.

Today begins the graduate school classes. I am jokingly referring to it as the day I stopped selling back books, because I'm beginning to believe I'm getting to a point where I need to keep everything I read cause there's too much good stuff in it. I figure, all the other Theology professors I've seen have essentially a library in their offices, so I may as well start building my own.

I had "Theological Synthesis" and Intro to Old Testament today. The synthesis class is basically systematic theology, which is basically...if I dare to describe it as such...studying a system that a theological view falls from. I really don't know how to explain it well, but I can think of an example (I hope). Take Aquinas, for instance. He has (in essence) a system to his theology, so that there is a central point that he draws all of his other conclusions from. What he believes about Jesus' humanity and divinity, the trinity, the role of the church, our moral obligations, and other dogmatic questions essentially derive themselves from this one thing that he holds onto.

Now as I read that over, I can already tell there are flaws in my explanation, so just trust me on this when I say that it is cool, even if I cannot explain it. If I can make it through the reading this weekend I will stick with this class.

The other class is Intro to Old Testament, which is with Fr. Clifford, who just happens to be the dean of the entire School of Theology and Ministry. And we engaged in small talk today during the break about literalists of the Bible. So I would like to think I know someone famous and in power ;) But the class is very good, just a lot of information to digest. My head is still swimming right now, for a lot of different reasons.

But all today I just felt excited. I actually felt excited about what I was learning, kind of a "look at what I learned today" feeling, which honestly I probably haven't had since I was a kid. It really is a great feeling, and it quickly reaffirmed for me that this was a good decision. I needed something like this. This place, BC, and this masters environment is so far beyond what I was expecting. It's challenging, the theology is hard, it's detailed, it's very in depth and requires a strong foundation in one's faith, but I don't feel like the professors are out to grill us at all. It feels like a journey to discover what this really means. Fr. Vacek, or Edward, (which by the way I still don't like calling professors by their first names, I understand why they do it, but I don't really feel intimidated by that or by them, I want to learn from them, that puts me in the student's position...sorry, I got carried away there) had said that mathematicians study numbers and formulas, scientists study nature and the world, and theologians get to study God, and we are quite a lucky few for it.

I am very excited for this.

I just hope when November hits that I'm not entirely overwhelmed by this work, but honestly even if I am I still think I'm going to love it. Even if I don't get my PhD now or ever, I still feel that this place is going to be great for me. The people come from all walks of life and all have different reasons and stories and beliefs and vocations and what not, but we're all drawn to the same place by the same faith and the same desire, to come and know God more and share that with others. It's an incredible feeling, an incredible action, an incredible reality. I'm still getting used to what it means, but it really is great.

The best part though, is that I continue to sense that there's more going on here than studying theology. BC tries to gear this program to also help form its students, to not just let what we learn in the classroom stay in the classroom. I need more challenges to my faith, I do not want it to remain the same, because every time that it does I get in more trouble.

So again, I am really excited.

I do miss St. Louis though. I will always call it home, and I'm not sure if Boston will ever come close to that. But I do love it here so far, and things are going great.

Oh, yeah, the Atrahasis thing. Well, honestly, if you want to know I'm probably not the person who should tell you. You can google it and see what it is, and maybe you can figure out the importance of it for this class. But in a nutshell, it helps to explain the beginning parts of Genesis in terms of what it meant at the time it would have been written for the Israelites. That is a very, very condensed and horrible explanation, but it's all you're gonna get out of me. But if you want to know, you definitely can. I'm learning new things up here all the time.

Theology is awesome. Thank God for it.

"I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more"

-Sonicflood, "In The Secret"

Collaborating With God

With those words I believe I actually began my education at Boston College. Today was orientation day for the Theology folks at BC, I estimate there were 90 of us new folks, maybe 40 Masters of Theological Studies students (which makes us the largest part of the largest class the School of Theology and Ministry has ever had...I'm pumped). The faculty seem very cool, and I am very excited to have class with the Dean, Fr. Richard Clifford, for Old Testament. But those words were not spoken by him.

Rather they were spoken by the coordinator of the MTS program, who also happens to be my faculty advisor, as well as teaching probably the first class I will take, Fr. Edward Vacek. He said to the MTS students that during our time at BC, we are basically collaborating with God to try and help out the world through doing His will, and maybe it's a basic idea, but it was really the first time I had heard it presented as such. I have previously continued to struggle with the idea of how God works through us, is it just God, is it God and us, or God in us. Can we only screw up, and can God take credit only when something good comes from our actions? (See I'm already thinking like a master's student, asking questions I can't hope to answer)

But this was something that seemed to make sense to me. God's glory will come about one way or another, but I have a chance to be a part of it, through my gifts, if I let Him in. A very cool position to be in for sure.

So with that I begin my academic adventure at BC. It's something unlike anything I've ever undertaken before, but today, I am really feeling excited for when the classes begin. But as cool as the subject matter is, and excited I am for that, what really has me ready is the people. My fellow Theology students are some very cool people, and the freedom to actually talk and discuss religion with (relatively) no fear about repercussions for talking about God or faith is an incredible feeling and reality. As Fr. Vacek put it (still feel weird calling faculty by their first names, maybe I'll get used to it in time) we can open with a prayer and assume that everyone can follow along, because our Catholic faith is our common thread. No matter where we are in it, we still fundamentally have faith in God, Jesus, and the whole shebang (please, please, please don't let anyone from BC or the Vatican who has real power to censor me read that last bit, I don't think "shebang" is a great theological term).

I am very excited, and even better, I believe I have good reason to be. I have a feeling this will be a great semester =)

"They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day the sun will come out"

-Coldplay "Lovers in Japan"

So U.S. Cellular doesn't exist in Boston

A fun little bit of information. It seems like from the beginning of me moving into my apartment, I continued to find things that we needed to buy. My roommate's TV was only 13 inches, which was not enough, so my folks were incredibly awesome and bought me a new Vizio 22 inch HDTV, which is great. In the back of my head I can't help but think, though, that once school rolls around I will probably never use it again. But it's great for the Xbox, and for plugging my Mac into and watching movies and Cardinals games.

But now I will have to get a new phone and carrier and take care of it on my own. Not a big deal, but I've been spending too much time trying to find the best value. Plus, I'm tempted to actually get a phone with access to 3G, or at least the internet, so I can help find my way around this city. I have a relatively good sense of direction, but I tend to need a lot of directions to get anywhere.

But you all probably want some info on Boston since this is officially Day 1 on my own.

Well, my roommate is Parker. He's interesting, but a good guy at heart. I think we're going to get along pretty well. Our room is well decorated with a bunch of maps and posters, and it is beginning to feel like another home, which is good.

But it sucks not knowing anyone else here...or I should elaborate, no one else being here. Our apartment building is still really quiet and a lot of people still have yet to move in, so I'm hoping things will get a bit livelier as the days go on. But orientation is on this coming Thursday, so I'll get to meet all of my Theology classmates who I will be struggling alongside.

I still don't know my classes, will also find that out on the 3rd. Cool to not worry about it, not cool to scramble to get books in time.

I will say that even with a bit of time here, Boston is like no where else I have ever been. Everything is really compact, as in it's all really close together. This makes exploring very easy. I'm very close to the train/subway so getting around is not a problem, but even just walking around is very easy to get to places. Parker and I walked to a local pub last night, it wasn't bad. Loud, like any other time, but it was cool. But a bit farther down is another pub, and another one, and another one. There's one every block in my scientific analysis. And I'm not really much of a drinker period, and I really haven't found anything I like anyway, but the atmosphere is really fun.

On an aside, I don't know the laws of Boston, but I have yet to find a bar that actually has people smoking inside it. I like this. It was one of the things that I always hated about bars was the smoke, and without it I find this a much more pleasant experience.

Speaking of pleasant experiences, let's talk about the people of Boston. I find that they are not as bad as others think, but I'm not going to go so far as to call them all saints. I have found some nice people and some, let's just say not-so-nice. Specifically when driving. I find the drivers in Boston to be something special. But I think it's just part of the character of Boston, and there are a lot of characters (such as the florist who made a delivery to our building yesterday and told us all of his religion called "Howieism," which actually was really cool and I will try to explain later if I can remember it all). But it is very cool, and I am really enjoying what I have seen so far.

Alright, that is all for now, and I will be sure to update when I actually have some good adventures, but so far so good. I miss St. Louis though, but this is going well so far. Peace.

"Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Boston, you are the only only only"

-"Tessie" Dropkick Murphys

Born To Run

It's very late, or early, in my "Last Day in St. Louis," and today has been more goodbyes and hanging out with people. So many good stories, so many good moments between Mass this morning at SHF and Mass this night at SLU, dinner with a good friend, lunch with a bunch of friends, but at the end of all of it, I am just left with this sense of calm about leaving. I still wish I could stay, still going to miss everyone, but I feel like I'm ready to leave and to see Boston.

I'm ready to not hold back, and to not let my love of my home keep me from discovering why I will be up in Boston in the first place. Because there has to be some bigger plan in play here. I can't believe that it's all just random, I have to think there is a plot that I can't see here. So right now, I'm ready to move forward with it.

Because if I'm really honest with myself, I have to leave, even if it's only for a bit. I have to take a chance on something greater out there, that there is something waiting for me and I just have to want to go and meet it. I don't know what it is, and if this is just a big mistake, then no harm done, I'll be right back. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" I refuse to do so. So I'll take this shot and see what happens. The worst I can do is fail. And I can live with failure. I can't live with regret.

So long St. Louis. I always loved you, even if I never said it. And I will miss you, but right now I'm being called somewhere else, and I need to see what's on the other side of the horizon. But I'll see you again. I promise.

"Someday girl I dont know when were gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go and well walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us baby we were born to run"

-Bruce Springsteen "Born to Run"

Awe

By the way, I am sick to death of playing that song over and over in my head. I hate Augustana. Mini rant over.

It's funny. Two days ago I was scared to death of leaving. Not that I'm not now, but that was all that could consume me. All I thought about were the people I was leaving behind, the things I had yet to do, everything I held onto. All of that would have to go, at least to some extent. I had been seriously wondering if I was doing the right thing in leaving. I still do wonder, I can't be entirely certain about this move. It'd be too easy otherwise. It wouldn't be right otherwise.

But over the past two days I've been experiencing something different. And that is awe. I am still scared to leave, but what strikes me more are those people that I am leaving behind, those things I have done, and all that I held onto. And it fills me with such a hope that I am still the one with power in my situation, that I still have control over this crazy thing called life, at least to a little bit. I have hope that this is not the end of one story, and the beginning of another, but simply another chapter to build on what has happened.

The teens of Seven Holy Founders...my friends at Seven Holy Founders, have changed my perspective in so many ways, but it was humbling to listen to their stories last night about what I had done for them, and what I meant to them. It was something I did not expect to hear, and what I heard surprised me. But throughout all of it, I could feel the love and the spirit from them. And I was just awestruck. To think, that for all of this time I got be part of their lives, to try and do something, just hoping and praying to God that it would work out for the best, and for just a brief moment to have that little reminder, that you know what, you can do good and you have. It's not that I expect to be told when I've done something right, I don't, and honestly I really don't want to know. I usually don't like it when people come up to me and tell me how I helped them or changed something for them. I just do what I'm here to do. But last night was something different. It was like a sacrament in many ways. A chance to see that all is not so lost, that I am not so hopeless, and that, you know what, you did right here. I wasn't perfect, I couldn't ask to be perfect, but I did what I was supposed to. I did right. And if I can do right here, I can do it anywhere.

It was awe that hit me. Awe at these incredible people who thought enough of me and of what I did and what I stood for to tell me. Awe at God, that somehow, through some crazy way and scheme, I could see God in these people, and I could feel God's presence through them, and that in some way, I helped bring that about in them. If God can work through me like that, then what else am I capable of? Maryann told me and continues to tell me, "God has big plans for you" to which I always reply "That's what I'm afraid of." But what if? What if I can do something great? What if there is that in me? I pray that I get a chance to find out.

Tonight I got to jam with my friends Brian and Trung. We started what I call our "Guitar Triumvirate" a few years back in the 10 PM Mass Choir, where we'd meet and jam, over retreats, in my apartment, you name it, we played it. It's always great, cause we all have different tastes and preferences and playing styles, but for that moment in time, it all just clicks. It all just makes sense. And musically, for me, it's times like that when it works the best. When you're just able to let go and enjoy it and create for the purpose of creating.

And in a different way, I experienced that awe again. Just an awe at the gift of music in my life, and my ability to share in that with others to make even better music. An awe at what I can do when I don't worry about it being perfect and just play, just sing, and let everything else fall into play. It's not that there aren't mistakes. But the beauty of the whole is worth any mistake that I make. It gives me hope that I will continue to find more musicians to share this with.

And all in all, I am just in awe with what is about to happen. I had always figured that I would be in St. Louis for all of my life, and here I am, about to embark on the greatest adventure I've ever been on. And I am scared and sad to leave, and I am going to miss everyone horribly. But at the same time I am more excited then I have ever been. I get to see what I am really made of, and it's something that I cannot wait for. I cannot wait.

So I think I'll go to Boston. If you want to know what the journey is like, come along with me. Follow this crazy blog that I will try to keep updated with what happens. Some things will be serious, some will definitely not. But for all of you that I know and love in St. Louis, come along with me.

Until I get there, I will continue to be in awe of everything and everyone here.

"At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passersby
And they did not notice me"

-U2, Moment of Surrender